I'm Going to Need Some More Rum...

Disclaimer: I was asking for it. I'm also a glutton for punishment.

this was a bad date, but the texts after officially make this the worst.date.ever.

seriously.

It started like this: I finally caved in and agreed to go on a date with this 31 year old who has initials for a name. I'm pretty sure that should have been a red flag. On the day of our supposed Happy Hour get together, I received a sweet little text message: "Hey! I made plans with you not realizing the Redskins will be playing football tonight. I may have to reschedule. Not sure if I can give you my 100% undivided attention you deserve. Unless..." Naturally, I wanted to know what this 'unless' entailed, so I asked... "Unless you are also a fan and we can enjoy the game together. I prefer the latter of the two choices. I promise we will have a good time." Enjoy your game buckaroo. Alone.

I left work annoyed, not because of failed plans, but because of the amount of stress I began to have for a particularly non-stressful job. No sooner than I had opened the front door, I already had a bottle of red open and up to my mouth... listen, no time for judgment here. I wholeheartedly believed that I needed to take that bottle to the face. Around 8PM, and with quite a nice buzz, I received another text: "Hey! Here! Where are you?" Apparently I didn't make myself clear earlier. With my guard down, and my ennui on the rise, I decided to meet up with him. I threw caution to the wind, and approached the rest of the night with an open mind and bias free. I mean we were just getting drinks, how bad could that be?

I walked up and saw him standing outside. B.D. (Bad Date) announced that he got us a table for outside and flashed the pager he had been given. As we walked in, he let me know that he had already had a drink and I should catch up. I failed to inform him that I had already consumed the better half of a bottle of red. He asked what I would like to drink, and ushered me to an open spot at the bar. He placed an order with the bartender, and moments later I was presented with a tumbler of deliciousness. I thought to myself how he was slowly redeeming himself for his earlier faux pas. What a brief, brief, and highly delusional moment that was. At that instant, the pager buzzed, and the bartender asked if I would like to open a tab or close out? B.D. says "Yo, this is going off, I'm going to get the table. You need to close out since we're sitting outside." --records screech, music stops-- hold up, I didn't order this drink at the bar and YOU invited me out. I fumbled around in my wallet, and feigned not having a credit card nor my ID and announced that I had to go to the car to get it. Hero mode took over, and B.D. exclaimed "Oh. I got you."

At the table, he asked "sooo, are you trying to just drink or did you want to eat?" I asked what he planned on doing, and he obnoxiously announced that he was going to get the steak salad and a glass of RedBull with a shot of jager. Winner. Douchebag. Cool. I'm going to nurse my drink and eat a side salad since I'm out with super stinge tonight. Dinner conversation lulled. I'm not sure it was even existent. I pulled out all conversation ammo, and it still didn't take off. My eye wandered and began to people watch. I watched him eat his salad. It seemed as if he had never one) been out to eat in public before, two) eaten a salad prior to this awful encounter. I excused myself to the restroom as he stabbed the shredded lettuce. Once inside, I had a few moments alone. I mingled with a few people that I knew, watched the end of the game, and put an SOS up as my FB status. I don't care who rescued me at this point, just come save me.

Back at the table, B.D. proclaimed that we needed to go somewhere livelier. Hey dude, I'm not sure if you realize, but there's a pretty active bar inside. He got the check, and let it sit on the table for what seemed like an eternity. Finally when he decided to open up and pay, he asked me, how are we doing this? Are you paying for your portion or am I? Hey Buddy, I ordered a freaking $8 salad. Not the $23 salad you ordered or your overpriced gangsta drink that you sipped like a Nancy. You're paying for it. I needed another drink. Immediately. I hurriedly walked across the street to a bar where it was crowded enough to lose him. Fail. After I stared at everyone else and talked to another guy, B.D., quite insulted, grabs my arm and says I'm not showing him enough attention and he doesn't like it. My B. I go to the bathroom and attempt to run out the side doors. Another fail for my piss poor escape route. After a series of about 10 more painful exchanges, he asks, "soooo, do you kiss on the first date?" No. No I do not. At this point my tolerance level has been reached. I really wanted to knee him in the balls. I refrained. I thanked him for my side salad dinner and headed home.

The following are all unanswered texts from B.D.:

August 13, 2011 2:17 PM - Did I meet or exceed your expectations last night?

August 13, 2011 2:56 PM - Never mind. That was a dumb question

August 14, 2011 12:38 PM - R u asleep?

August 15, 2011 10:45 AM - Hey. I've been thinking about you. How did the weekend turn out for you?

August 17, 2011 1:33 AM - Is your phone broken? I'm confused, most women want to see me again. I don't understand you. If you don't want to see me or have me text you again, just say so. I can handle rejection.

August 21, 2011 12:06 AM (VM) - Haven't heard from you in a while, it's B.D. uhhh gimme a call when you get the chance. Talk to you later. (All said with extreme annoyance.)

I'm quite positive I haven't heard the end of this.

The best remedy for this atrociousness of a date was rum to forget and coconut to sweeten it up:

1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour

2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup packed shredded coconut flakes

1 1/2 sticks of unsalted butter (softened)

2 whole eggs + 2 egg whites

1 1/3 cups sugar

3/4 cup coconut milk

2 tsp pure vanilla extract

1/3 cup rum ( I used pyrat rum)

• Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line your cupcake tin.
• In a medium sized bowl, whisk together all of your dry ingredients: flour, baking soda, salt, coconut flakes.
• In a small bowl, mix together all wet ingredients
• In your electric mixer, with the paddle attachment, cream together the butter and sugar until fluffy. Add eggs 1 at a time and beat after each addition.
• Reduce the speed to low, and add the dry ingredients to the butter mixture in 3 additions, alternating with the wet, and ending with the dry. Mix completely and scrape down the sides of the bowl as needed.
• Fill the cupcake liners about 3/4 full and bake for 25 minutes. They should spring back when lightly touched and a toothpick should come out clean when placed in the center.

When fully cooled, I spread a thin layer of nutella and topped with whipped cream and some more coconut flakes:

4 cups of heavy creamm
1/4 cup confectioner's sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla extract

• With the whisk attachment, combine all ingredients and beat on medium speed for about 3 minutes. Soft peaks will form.

Eat. Enjoy. 

*Note: I was right. I didn't hear the end of that. He waited a week and then sent me another late night text asking how often I lay awake at night wondering why I'm still single?? Answer: Never.