seriously?

This is from my boss...for personal use.... I'm assuming so he can stalk old girlfriends and young girls....

What's the Difference Between a Column and a Row?

While on the phone with Sister-Wife at the other location, we were looking at a product that I was thinking of ordering for an upcoming event. Since calling it by the name on the website was proving to be useless, I described the item as being in the first column in the second row. Easy! Excruciatingly Hard.

In case you needed clarification also.

Here, we'll do another one: Find the item in the first column, second row.

Answer: you should have picked the 62 cent, turquoise pen - promo bic twist action custom pen...

How Do You Copy and Paste?

It's been a while. It's been a long, long while.
I've been busy.
I've been happy.
I've definitely been entertained.
I've also started a new position at a new company. On paper and during the whole recruitment and interview process (which is eerily close to dating), this job and company sound stellar. The real deal, not so much. With less than a month under my belt, I wake up in the morning and dread coming in to work. I also think of ways to spike my coffee (but that might be because of a different problem...) I should still be in the Honeymoon phase, no?

Within hours of my first day on the job, I was no longer enthralled, and my excitement levels dissipated beyond belief. I went home upset and teary eyed, drank some wine, attempted to erase any negative thoughts, and to start fresh for the following day. Below is a running tab of everything wrong with this place, and quite frankly, it feels like a horrible, no good, very bad date. Daily:

• They don't know what a list serve is....meaning: I need to enter every single employee's email address because there isn't a single grouping to make life easier.
• They don't participate in effective and efficient use of keyboard shortcuts, because they don't know how to apply them.
• I'm only allowed one cup of coffee per day... 
• Excel? What's that?
• Google? 
• To reach my target audience, what do you mean I need to spend money on marketing material?
• Dude farts in my office.con.tin.ual.ly.
• Nepotism. Hardcore.
• How do you copy and paste? I wish this was a joke, but it's not.
• "Friday's are jean day. You can wear jeans, but don't look like you rolled out of bed" - My Boss. First, I was insulted because I was dressed better than him, second, that Friday, after putting thought and effort into my outfit, I got to work, only to realize Dude was wearing a dirty long sleeved shirt, stained jeans, crocs, and a Ravens jersey. I couldn't have been happier that they lost their playoff game to the Patriots.
• No eating at my desk in my office, which is away from the general public.
• Dude watches movies during the day.
• When I asked for dual monitors, I was told to split my screens, because it's the same thing.
• Social Media is not real. Don't bother trying to explain it. 
• After explaining how to do something for 10 minutes, I sit on the phone to hear I am wrong and then parroted everything I just said, but 10x's wordier and very confusing.
• Website has more grammatical errors than a 5th grader's essay.
• Sister-wife explains the ins and outs of salesforce. she doesn't know how to copy and paste.
• Dude just gave me pointers for a marketing campaign. He was wrong.
• This one guy who continually calls here, who is also Dude's friend, refers to me as Princess. What an ass.
• I need to crush a bottle of wine nightly to forget that I work here.
• My cover letter writing skills are now amazing, since I've had daily practice.
• ....

*Note: Dude is not my boss.

This Might Be Personal, But Are You a Partier?

It's no secret that I like to drink. But I've also toned it down. A LOT. Instead of drinking only on days that end in Y, I now drink only on days that contain an S....

Seriously though, all kidding aside, this aging thing sucks; I can no longer battle a hangover in less hours than it took to acquire, and realizing that my pant size was growing and my wallet was shrinking, made me think I might be doing it wrong - just a little bit.

However, along this same train of thought, it's also no secret that I like to bake. I enjoy mixing my booze with my baked goods, it's the perfect adult accompaniment to almost anything. Really it is.

Since I've started this position, Dude has slowly tried to get to know me... which is totes understandable. Although, I should probably come with  package labeling that reads something along the lines of  "Not warm and cuddly; Wears her face on her face; Slightly judgmental." And knowing that I'm like this, I make a conscious effort to not come across as a First Class B.... immediately.

ANYWAY, I was in the mood to bake something; earlier in the day, my friend shared a recipe for Blue Moon Cupcakes. I like Blue Moon. I like cuppycakes. Grand. It was settled, I was making these. Of course, upon baking, I had a plethora of deliciousness in my house. Trying to be nice, and also in attempt to lessen the abundance on the dining room table, I brought some into work to share with Dude.After staring at the plate for a solid 10 minutes, he took one (it wasn't a nice take either. No. It was a snatch. "Thank You" didn't accompany the treat neither). These cupcakes don't have an overwhelming wheat beer taste, but, it is there; I also thought he should know what he was about to eat. I'd hate to be the cause of an allergic reaction, regardless of how much I dislike you. Once I told him, he attempted to crack a joke, and asked if I was trying to get him drunk.

Fast-forward a few hours later, and he stops in my office and randomly asks, "this might be personal, but are you a partier?" Slightly confused about why he would ask, and then reasoned that his question was probably sparked by the beer-y cupcakes, I answered honestly. Not during the week. I was mistaken to think that my short answer would have been enough to suffice him. He continued to try to pry deeper, but I wasn't having it. After an awkward silence, he left. We both knew he was coming back tomorrow loaded up with personal question ammo, and was going to fire away...

The cake recipe I used, was borrowed from Sorakeem. The frosting recipe was borrowed from Cupcake Project. Both recipes are below:

Blue Moon Cupcakes

(yields 24 cupcakes)

3/4 Cup Unsalted Butter, room temp

3 Eggs, room temp

1 Cup Blue Moon Beer

1/4 Cup Milk

2 1/2 Cups Flour

2 1/2 tsp Baking Powder 

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp orange zest

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 3/4 Cup Sugar (I substituted 1 1/2 tsp + a pinch of stevia)

1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. 
2. Line a cupcake tin. 
3. In a medium sized bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt. 
4. In a small bowl, combine the milk and beer. 
5. In the bowl of an electric mixer, with the paddle attachment, cream the butter, and slowly add the sugar. Beat until light and fluffy. 
6. Add one egg at a time, beating well after each addition. 
7. Add your orange zest and vanilla. 
8. Next, reduce the speed of your mixer and add in your dry ingredients, alternating with your wet ingredients. You should start and end with your flour mixture. Mix until just incorporated. 
9. To make sure my cupcakes were uniform in size, I used an ice scream scoop to fill each, however, a 1/4 cup measuring cup works just as well. 
10. Pop in the oven for 18 minutes, they should be a light golden color, and toothpick should com out clean.
11. Place on a wire rack and let cool.

Orange -Vanilla Bean Buttercream Frosting

1/2 Cup Unsalted Butter, room temp (1 Stick)

1 1/2 Cups Confectioners' sugar

2 tsp Vanilla Bean Paste

1 Tbs Milk

1 Tbs Orange Juice

1. Beat the butter until creamy. 
2. Slowly add in the powdered sugar. Mix until creamy and smooth. 
3. Add in the vanilla bean paste, milk, and orange juice. Beat together for another minute. 
4. If it is too thin, add more sugar until the right consistency is achieved. Frost  your cupcakes.

Eat. Enjoy.