How Do You Copy and Paste?

It's been a while. It's been a long, long while.
I've been busy.
I've been happy.
I've definitely been entertained.
I've also started a new position at a new company. On paper and during the whole recruitment and interview process (which is eerily close to dating), this job and company sound stellar. The real deal, not so much. With less than a month under my belt, I wake up in the morning and dread coming in to work. I also think of ways to spike my coffee (but that might be because of a different problem...) I should still be in the Honeymoon phase, no?

Within hours of my first day on the job, I was no longer enthralled, and my excitement levels dissipated beyond belief. I went home upset and teary eyed, drank some wine, attempted to erase any negative thoughts, and to start fresh for the following day. Below is a running tab of everything wrong with this place, and quite frankly, it feels like a horrible, no good, very bad date. Daily:

• They don't know what a list serve is....meaning: I need to enter every single employee's email address because there isn't a single grouping to make life easier.
• They don't participate in effective and efficient use of keyboard shortcuts, because they don't know how to apply them.
• I'm only allowed one cup of coffee per day... 
• Excel? What's that?
• Google? 
• To reach my target audience, what do you mean I need to spend money on marketing material?
• Dude farts in my office.con.tin.ual.ly.
• Nepotism. Hardcore.
• How do you copy and paste? I wish this was a joke, but it's not.
• "Friday's are jean day. You can wear jeans, but don't look like you rolled out of bed" - My Boss. First, I was insulted because I was dressed better than him, second, that Friday, after putting thought and effort into my outfit, I got to work, only to realize Dude was wearing a dirty long sleeved shirt, stained jeans, crocs, and a Ravens jersey. I couldn't have been happier that they lost their playoff game to the Patriots.
• No eating at my desk in my office, which is away from the general public.
• Dude watches movies during the day.
• When I asked for dual monitors, I was told to split my screens, because it's the same thing.
• Social Media is not real. Don't bother trying to explain it. 
• After explaining how to do something for 10 minutes, I sit on the phone to hear I am wrong and then parroted everything I just said, but 10x's wordier and very confusing.
• Website has more grammatical errors than a 5th grader's essay.
• Sister-wife explains the ins and outs of salesforce. she doesn't know how to copy and paste.
• Dude just gave me pointers for a marketing campaign. He was wrong.
• This one guy who continually calls here, who is also Dude's friend, refers to me as Princess. What an ass.
• I need to crush a bottle of wine nightly to forget that I work here.
• My cover letter writing skills are now amazing, since I've had daily practice.
• ....

*Note: Dude is not my boss.